Lady Gouldian Read online

  Goodness. There’s no way this child is reading Charles Dickens.

  Alex lifts her head, her inquisitive green eyes meeting mine.

  I stop myself from nervously linking my fingers together. Alex has a strong, unnerving presence for such a young child. She can make a grown adult, such as myself, feel as though they are seeking her approval.

  I clear my throat and smile at my niece. “Hello, birthday girl.”

  She tilts her head to the side and frowns. “I’m no longer the birthday girl.”

  “Oh?”

  Alex nods. “Mommy says I was born at six fifty-three in the mornin’. She says that’s why I wake up so early.”

  My lips pull upward, and as I approach her, I bend down until I’m eye level with her. “I believe you are right, but that doesn’t mean you’re not the birthday girl for the entire day. Today is your day and we honor you.”

  Out of everything I say, that garners a reaction from Alex. Her eyes widen with something close to excitement.

  “Are you anxious for your party to begin?” I ask.

  Just like that, the excitement disappears from her eyes. She shrugs and looks down at her book. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “People are loud.”

  My God is this Étienne’s child.

  We sit in silence for several seconds. My gaze wanders around my former room. As for Alex, she resumes reading as though I’m not kneeling beside her. I lightly slap my palms against my knees. I should go downstairs. But I’m not quite ready yet.

  “Alex, do you know this used to be my room when I was a little girl?” I announce.

  My niece slowly pulls her gaze away from her book and frowns. “No, it wasn’t.”

  I blink. “Yes, it was.”

  Solemnly, she shakes her head, stands up, and calmly walks to the window. Looking over her shoulder, she gestures for me to follow her. I frown ever so slightly, and with a smile, I do just that.

  Alex points to the lower corner of the window frame. I bend down and spot the small carved letters, vertically written. When I see the letter N, my heart beats a bit faster, and when I see the S, the corners of my mouth reluctantly pull upward.

  Oh my.

  Alex taps the carving with a small finger. “See? Nasa lived in here.”

  I forgot all about this. I had to be around twelve when I did this engraving. I was deeply embedded in my infatuation with Asa. I wanted to declare it to the world but didn’t want to face rejection. I snatched the knife from the kitchen while the cook had her back turned. I meant to return it but had to wait until the perfect time, so I hid it. The only problem was I hid it so well I couldn’t find the hiding spot. For weeks, the cook was convinced one of the other servants took the knife. I certainly didn’t have the courage to step forward and admit the truth.

  At first, the carving was going to have both our initials. After the N, I changed my mind because, it turns out, carving is far harder than it appears. But I desperately wanted to see a portion of Asa’s name next to mine. It was as though putting it in writing would make everything I’d hope for come true.

  Reaching out, I lightly trace the carving. Before I can dwell any further in the past, I drop my hand and look at my niece. “I believe you’re correct. This room belonged to NASA. Not me.”

  Alex regards the engraving closely. “Who do you think NASA is?’

  “I do not know.”

  To an extent, I’m not lying to my niece. I would never be able to recognize my younger self. I held onto her for as long as I could, but I let go of her years ago. I should’ve been smart and rational like Étienne and parted ways with her the moment I could, because hanging onto childhood dreams for as long as I did only gave me pain.

  There’s a sharp knock on the door, before it opens. “Alex, are you in here? Your momma-”

  Asa immediately stops speaking the moment he spots me. His eyes widen as he takes me in. I turn away from the window frame, hiding the carving from Asa’s view.

  After several seconds, he shakes his head and gives me a strained, but friendly smile. “Oh, my apologies. I didn’t realize you were in here. Serene sent me up here to retrieve Alex.”

  How rotten of Serene. She knew I was in here.

  To keep my hands busy, I smooth my palms across the front of my skirt and politely smile in Asa’s direction. “Well, that’s kind of you, but I’m with her, so I can take her downstairs.”

  The two of us face off. Our tones are polite, and our smiles friendly, but the tension is something neither one of us can glaze over.

  Solemnly, Alex looks between me and Asa before she stands in the middle of us. “I will be goin’; Momma will be upset if I’m not downstairs.” My niece turns to Asa and holds out her hand. “Thank you for comin’ to my birthday party, Mr. Asa.”

  Asa takes her small hand in his and gives it a shake, as though he’s making a business deal. But I don’t think he has a twinkle in his eye when he shakes the hand of a fellow businessman. A sharp pain close to my heart begins to grow with intensity as I observe the two of them. Asa shows no one, but he’s far gentler than people believe him to be.

  “I wouldn’t miss today for the world, Miss Alexandra.”

  Pleased with his reply, Alex leaves the room without another word. I’m left with my sharp heartache and the man responsible for it.

  I look down at my laced fingers and try to sort my thoughts. I need to talk to him about a job at the telephone company, but I don’t know how.

  I can’t very well come out and ask. And considering this is my first conversation with Asa since I objected to his wedding, I need to be cordial.

  “You get along well with my niece?” I ask with my false, agreeable voice.

  Asa continues to watch me closely. “Alexandra is a unique child. If I understand anythin’, it’s bein’ individualistic.”

  Truer words have never been spoken.

  “That she is.” I nod and look at anything but Asa. “Serene did a wonderful job plannin’ this party. Have you had the punch?”

  He shakes his head.

  “Well, you must,” I continue. “Mrs. Pleasonton already had a glass, and she seemed quite pleased with it.”

  Asa intensely watches me, his brown eyes pulled down at the corners. I want him to say something, so we can find a healthy and friendly relationship.

  “Can we no longer be in the same room?” he blurts.

  I lift my chin and give him a pleasant smile. The one I was taught to give. While inside, I am falling apart. “Of course, we can.”

  “Nathalie,” he weighs my name down with sadness, almost mourning.

  I swallow. Don’t break, Nat. You must be strong.

  “Asa, I…” I take a deep breath and shrug, helpless to explain myself.

  Asa crosses and uncrosses his arms several times before he says, “I believe I understand why you did what you did.”

  His words make it almost impossible for me to breathe. “What?” I croak.

  “Yes.” Asa’s hands are now behind his back as he takes another step forward. “Your life has gone through great upheaval and you acted in haste.” His brown eyes are imploring, almost begging me to believe the words he’s saying, no matter how ridiculous they may be. “You didn’t understand what you did.”

  He nods, waiting for me to nod with him. All I can do is process his words.

  “That’s what happened, right?” he persists.

  I am trying to accept that from now on Juliet will be part of Asa’s life. I can’t have him, but yet I know he is my soulmate, and it is crushing. I am going to have to learn how to cope with my pain and pretend I’m okay every time I see Juliet. And now, Asa is asking me to agree with his farfetched explanation for my actions the day of his wedding. I should agree. It gives me the perfect way out of this hole I’ve dug myself into. But to agree would mean more coping. More pretending.

  I am so very tired of pretending through life.

  Looking Asa straight in the eye,
I say, “No.”

  His shoulders straighten. “Pardon?”

  My blood courses through me. Neither one of us were expecting me to say that. “No. That’s not what happened. I understand what I did, and you’re right, my life has gone through great upheaval.” I pause, taking a deep breath and look Asa straight in the eye. “But I did not act in haste.”

  Not a sound is made in my former childhood bedroom. A muscle along Asa’s jawline jumps. I want to say he’s angry at me for speaking the truth, but his brown eyes are alight with something else altogether.

  It’s not interest. Asa has never been quite that forthright with his feelings and emotions. No, this is more like curiosity. What Asa doesn’t understand in life, he studies and consumes until he does.

  His head tilts to the side.

  My heart beats wildly in my chest as I try my hardest to maintain eye contact and let him inspect me. Loudly, I swallow, being in a room alone with him is a very bad idea.

  “I should go,” I murmur, and before he can utter a word, I brush past him.

  I hurry out of the room, anxious to get away from him, but Asa’s long legs quickly eat the distance between us.

  “Wait,” he says as his hand curls around my arm.

  Even though my sleeves reach my elbows, a small gasp escapes me. It feels as if I’ve been branded. I whirl around, eyes wide, and at once, Asa lets go. He stays where he’s at, in the middle of the hallway, while I place a hand over the skin he touched and try to will my heartbeat to slow down.

  We stare at one another with years of promises said in the dark and laughter in the light between us.

  Asa is the first to look away. He pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head. When his eyes open, he appears years older. “I’m tryin’, all right?” he whispers raggedly.

  Lowering my hand, I lean in and whisper back, “So am I.”

  “So we never speak to one another then? Is that what you prefer?”

  God, the very thought … I’d rather walk across hot coals than suffer through a life without him. Isn’t that why I came into the church and said wait? Because I loved and needed him? But now we’re here, and we need to find our way in this new path we’ve created.

  “No,” I drag out slowly. “But I prefer nothin’ than our uncomfortable exchange at Madame Bourgeois’ dress shop.” I shake my head, before I continue, “I don’t know how to be around you and Juliet,” I confess.

  Asa painfully looks away and nods. “I know, I know.”

  Both of us become silent for several moments. I know there’s so much I need to say, but I have no thoughts in my head. Yet, I can’t leave. I don’t want to walk away from Asa. In spite of everything that’s happened and the tension, I want to lean into him, close my eyes, and take a deep breath.

  “How are you?” Asa asks, almost desperately. His words float above me before they settle around me. My hands nearly shake from the weight of his question. I could answer in so many ways.

  “I have been better.”

  Asa’s eyes don’t fill with compassion like most of my family and friends’ do when they look at me. Rather, he regards me with close scrutiny. His brown eyes are astute and sharp. Always have been. He’s the only person who’s ever been able to read into my words and actions with a simple look.

  “I was sorry to hear of your— of Oliver’s death. If I could have attended his funeral I-”

  I hold a hand up and shake my head. “You don’t have to apologize.”

  “Nonetheless, I need to extend my regards.” Those beautiful brown eyes sadly observe me.

  I nod and look at the floor. There are years’ worth of words to say, but we can’t say them here in the middle of the hallway. This conversation must come to an end at some point.

  Panic fills me, as I realize my time is coming to an end, and with it, my opportunity.

  You haven’t asked him about the job!

  “Remember when you once told me you’d do anythin’ for me if I asked you to?” I blurt.

  I wince at my words. This isn’t how I wanted to introduce the topic of working at the telephone company, but I panicked.

  Asa, sensing there’s more to what I’m saying, narrows his eyes. He crosses his arms over his large chest and nods. He takes the barest step forward. “Tell me what you need.”

  I take a deep breath, ignoring the way my heart leaps at his words, and say the words I’ve been rehearsing in my head before I lose my courage. “I need a job,” I announce. “I know you work at Southern Bell, and I think I can be a good telephone operator,” I say with more confidence than I possess.

  Asa doesn’t outright object like Étienne. Instead, his brows become furrowed. “I don’t understand. Do you need money? If Étienne cannot help you, I will be more than happy-”

  I hold a hand up and cut in. “It’s not money I need. I need to keep busy, and I don’t mean a hobby, either,” I quickly say. “A lot has occurred, and I can’t… I can’t…” I stumble through my words, before I settle for the truth, “Asa, I need this.”

  More silence from Asa. However, he hasn’t scorned or rejected me. He seems to be pondering my words. “You want me to give you a job at Southern Bell?” he finally asks.

  Asa is as ethical as they come. He will not give anything to me, no matter our past. “No. But I was hopin’ for an interview,” I answer truthfully.

  As I await his reply, I stand there impatiently.

  Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, my heart chants.

  Asa repeatedly rubs his jaw as he regards me. “Just an interview?”

  I nod. “Just an interview.”

  He dips his head. “Very well. Come in and you will have an interview, just like every telephone operator.”

  “When?” I ask.

  “The next few days work for you?”

  I nod. “Yes. Asa, thank you. Thank you so much.” Relief courses through my body and I don’t think when I reach out to hug Asa. It simply happens, as it has so many times before.

  Asa’s body stiffens with shock. I begin to pull away, but just as I do, I feel his arms settle around me. The feel of his fingers splayed across my back is like a brand. I take a deep shuddering breath. My eyes close, and my forehead drops to his chest.

  In this moment, I can pretend we still have time to revise our love. He isn’t married, and I’m not broken. Pain hasn’t come between us.

  Asa dips his head and buries it in my hair. My heart beats so fast, I know Asa can feel it.

  This is incredibly wrong, but I can’t pull away. I don’t know how.

  “I hope I’m not interrupting.”

  Immediately, Asa and I separate, only to find Serene steps away. “I just came to get Trace’s blanket,” Serene says and blindly points down the hallway.

  Asa clears his throat and scratches the back of his head. Red covers his neck and travels up to his cheeks. “No, no. You came at a perfect time.”

  Serene appears unconvinced, staring between Asa and me with wide eyes. “Right,” she drawls out slowly.

  “Ladies, I should be goin’ downstairs.” He dips his head to both of us. His eyes linger on mine, and my heart drops to my gut.

  As I watch him walk away, I breathe deep. Beside me, Serene gives me a nudge. “Can you explain that?”

  Wide-eyed, I look at her, trying my best to appear blasé about her question. “The hug? It was friendly. That’s all.”

  “If that’s friendly, I’d love to see what passionate is. My God, if I came a few minutes later, the two of you would have been-”

  “Serene!” I interrupt, desperate for her not to say it. I know where that hug could’ve led. I don’t need her to say it.

  Serene takes pity on me, and gestures toward the hallway. I walk with her to Trace’s room to grab his blanket. Thankfully, she doesn’t question me, but I have enough questions running through my head. I don’t know what possessed me to hug him. I was just so happy that Asa agreed that I simply wanted to celebrate my victory.


  It was one hug. That’s it. Focus on your interview.

  But the longer I think of it, the more I realize the truth. I’ve never had an interview. I have no experience with a job. However, there is one woman I know that does have work experience. Maybe not in this era, but it’s better than nothing.

  “I need your help,” I say.

  As we walk down the hallway, Serene looks at me from the corner of her eye with a sly smile, as though she’s been waiting the entire time for this. “Whatever it is. Yes. A thousand times, yes.”

  I smile. “You don’t even know what I need your help with.”

  “Doesn’t matter. I’ll help.” She links her arm through mine. “Spill it.”

  I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a rush of adrenaline flow through me. “You know how I said I wanted to get a job, correct?”

  Anxiously, Serene nods.

  “I spoke to Asa about my desire to be employed.”

  Serene pulls back on my arm, stopping me from going down the stairs. “Wait… you want a job at Southern Bell?”

  When the words are spoken aloud, they sound ridiculous and irrational. Especially after the hug I just experienced with Asa. What was I thinking? “Yes.”

  “Oh.”

  My shoulders straighten and the adrenaline I felt moments ago fades. “Do you think I shouldn’t get a job there?”

  “Not at all. I just thought you needed my help with something bigger. I just finished a bachelor ball for Rainey and that led her to the love of her life, which just so happened to be your womanizer of a brother. Do you want a bachelor ball, too? Because I think it would be a big hit!”

  “No, no, no,” I rush out. “That’s not necessary. I’m quite fine.”

  “So, what do you need my help with? This sounds like a job for Asa.”

  “I want you to come with me when I go to Southern Bell.”

  “Consider it done,” Serene replies without a second thought.

  We step onto the first floor and by now, most of the guests have arrived and are congregating in the sitting room. Serene walks in, and immediately moves toward Trace and Étienne. As for me, I stand there, my heart sinking. What I was trying to keep clear of is directly in front of me. Asa and Juliet are standing beside Rainey and Mrs. Pleasonton. I can’t hear a word of their conversation because my heart beats so loudly I can hear its echo in my ears. All my eyes can focus on is how closely Juliet stands next to Asa.